Self-Sabotage: Friendzone Edition

*Disclaimer: This article is completely subjective and based on actual experience as discussed below. I know that every case is different and this is my account of how I sabotaged myself. If you have done the same, I hope this article helps.

Imagine a dark, depressing room with grey walls and flickering lights. Thousands of dead roses lay on the ground, teddy bears have their heads ripped off and mixed CD’s are broken up into tiny pieces. A handful of other hopefuls give you sympathetic nods as you join the rest of them in romantic oblivion. On the wall is a sign that reads “Welcome to the Friendzone – We’ve been expecting you.

While that might just be overly-dramatic, the harsh reality is that this sad state does exist. You told that person how you felt and they responded with 1) I think we’re better off as “just friends” or 2) I don’t want to ruin our friendship. These deflections are simply a way for them to say “I don’t feel the same way about you but I’m not gonna say it, so hey, here’s my friendship.” They’re like rubber bullets: not meant to kill you, but they hurt like a bitch.

But this article is not so much about the brave men and women who put themselves out there and got sent to the place where romantic feelings go to die. Instead, this is geared towards the people like me, who said nothing, did nothing, but somehow blame the world for their bad luck. There is a special place reserved for all of you and it is a room directly adjacent to the aforementioned friendzone room – with a bunch of people banging their heads against the wall, and a sign that reads “Welcome to the Imaginary Friendzone – You did this to yourself.”

How did you get here? There are a number of possible reasons for being placed in the real friendzone, including a lack of physical attraction, non-appealing personality, or social stigma. You might not be the other person’s type with regards to looks, personality, religion, or race and these are massive – sometimes impossible – hurdles to overcome. It’s pretty unfair to be rejected based on race but these social barriers do exist. I feel your pain. But you put yourself out there. And for that I say well done bud. You might be in the friendzone, but you tried. No fault in that.

But one of the most mind-blowing revelations is that you are actually in the imaginary friendzone because you – yes, you – waited too long. Is it unfair to have all the pressure put on you to make the first move? Yes. Is that a good enough reason not to make the first move? No. Do something. I’m not saying serenade them in public or ask them out using a billboard ad. This isn’t a romantic comedy. Plus billboard ads are corny and expensive. Tell them you like them. And sooner rather than later. Trust me, this is experience talking.

Dr. Ali Binazir, author of The Tao of Dating: The Thinking Man’s Enlightened Guide to Success with Women, explains that the best way to stay out of the Friendzone – or “Justfriendistan” as he calls it – is to embrace your own sexuality and be daring. Don’t be the safe guy who is afraid to speak up. Girls know what you want, and even if it doesn’t work, even if your blatant flirting tactics fail, at least you took a leap. She might not think of you as a friend, she might even go so far as to call you abrasive. But remember, you do not want to be just friends. You want more. Also, remember that getting friendzoned is not a guy thing. Girls get friendzoned too. So calm down ladies. We know what you’re going through. Have a seat.

Granted, they might have a partner when you meet them and you don’t want to be a home-wrecker so you’ll wait it out. I get that. I’ve done that. But there are two things you need to remember while you’re “waiting”:

1) Don’t postpone your love-life. Hook up with other people. Flirt more – especially when you’re around the person you like. Because when they see that you’re not just pining over them, they might just end up wanting you instead of their significant other. Worse case scenario: you meet someone else and move on with your life. Win-win.

2) Don’t send mixed signals. Once you become the person’s diary, you are on the fast track to the friendzone. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying shut the person out completely. What I am saying is, let them know that you are a viable romantic option and not just a shoulder to cry on. When he/she complains to you about their partner, reply with “Now, you see, if you just went out with me from the beginning these things wouldn’t happen.” And once you put that idea in their heads, like a virus it will spread and it might change everything. Yes, I just used Inception to drive a point home.

Personally, I’ve claimed to be in the friendzone when in actual fact I didn’t do anything and flung myself into the imaginary friendzone. There was this girl I really liked and the main reason she’s with someone else right now is because he made the move – and I didn’t. I blamed my bad luck for being friendzoned, because I’m a nice, sweet guy who didn’t deserve blah blah blah. False. I waited too long and missed my moment. I thought she’d be single forever. That was dumb. I thought our friendship would be at stake. I should have taken the risk. I made far too many excuses and never said anything which is why I am in the imaginary friendzone. Do not make it your reality.

So, look…

I know it sounds harsh to inform you that you are in this imaginary friendzone because of your inaction. I’m not saying the person of your dreams is going to embrace the fact that you confessed your love for them. They might. They might just send you to the real friendzone. But at least then you’ll know you tried. So let’s stop feeling sorry ourselves and actually do something. Sound good?

If you found this even a little bit helpful and would like to share some of your own experiences, please drop us a comment. Also, share the BTG Lifestyle Facebook page and follow us on twitter @btglifestyle.

About the author: Dean is a co-founding member of BTG Lifestyle, and an aspiring screenwriter and filmmaker who WILL be making waves in the world of film in the future. But for the moment, he is #AlmostFamous.