They’re badass. They achieve the seemingly impossible. They’re super cool. And more often than not, there’s a girl involved. Here are five things that I’ve learned from action movies.
1. If you have the option to run away to safety or fight, always fight. ALWAYS.
All the cool people do it: Batman, Spiderman, John McClane, Frank Martin, Dominic Toretto, Nikita. And some of those cool people are also the good guys and pretty decent people…on paper.
Sometimes, they haven’t even left home, so they’re not actually in any danger, seeing that no-one knows where they live or hangout. But, still, they go out and fight. We should all do it. I’m going to do it.
Just looking for the perfect pair of curtains that is suitable for draping and hiding weapons. And by weapons, I mean nail files. You’d be amazed at the type of damage nail files could do if used incorrectly. Be afraid.
2. Know your moves…aaaaand ACTION!
At least half the people in action movies know some sort of martial arts or self-defence. They train like they’d die if they just hired freakin’ body guards or whatever. Which just screams “trust issues”. When they’re not loaded with guns and knives in every possible seam and bodily crevasse, guys are going for the face. Never mind a bulletproof vest, we need face guards, friends.
There is a right hook coming at your left eye, a palm coming at your chin and nose, a FORCEFUL push to the chest that will send you reverse-FLYING only for the back of your skull to be met by a wall, a metal pipe, or a shit load of boxes and crates, and then your coccyx will meet the ground. Or even break the ground.
When there’s a girl vs guy fight, girl kicks guy in the crotch (he doesn’t even flinch), guy pulls girl’s hair. Hard. And maybe smashes her face into something. But further than that, it really teaches us proper self defence. Proper. No weapons, just your body. It’s also where I learnt many of my self defence moves, like going for the trachea, I mean full on punching to the throat.Then banging the ears, gouging out the eyes, heel of palm to the nose or chin and elbow to the ribs.
In addition to that, action movies teach us that there is such a thing as a superpower and we don’t have it. Action heroes (or villains) always know where everyone is and how far away they are. They don’t show it, but they’re ready for anything. They’re ready for you, son. Their timing is perfect and it’s all thanks to a psychosyncing power where they inadvertently sync their thoughts and energies to the person they’re trying to defeat.
They know when there’s someone behind them or around the corner and they know exactly how long it’s going to take to get to the point where they smash that person in the face. Should there be a PSP (PsychoSyncing Power) outage, they rely on the vibrations in the walls. Walls are their allies. We’re all screwed. How do you hide from walls, right?
3. Action heroes don’t look at explosions.
Why would they? They planned it, they know what’s going to happen, it’s their escape plan: to detract from them walking out the front door. Plus, they time it perfectly so that they’re not actually there for it, they’re sexy slowmo walking away from it as it happens. I mean it’s so obvious, there’s even a song about it:
You have to look cool when walking away from an explosion. And flinching is the epitome of uncool. It doesn’t matter how many dudes you just killed using a tin opener and one arm tied behind your back; if you flinch at the explosion that you orchestrated then we all have zero respect for you. Harsh reality, bro.
This also inspired some music videos. The chick in Kanye West’s Flashing Lights video (okay, so it’s not a real explosion, but still, her boobs are exploding out of that top).
And Beyonce (except in Crazy In Love, Jay-Z was looking at the explosion. Oh, well, he’s no action hero, he just add dem zeroes…)
4. Pick the bad car, it makes you look greater.
The men in action movies would rather drive a crap car hard than just pick the decent one with 6 gears that will get you where you need to be without looking like you’re physically pushing it via a lever. Maybe it’s a guy thing and I just don’t get it.
If they’re not driving the crap car, they still CHOOSE the crap car and then “pimp” it out. The only time this is okay for me is if I’m going to be driving it and my makeup can be applied while I’m driving without me having to touch my face or if James Bond is going to be driving it. Otherwise, the validity of these choices eludes me.
Also, it’s not a money issue, because they hardly ever BUY these cars: they steal it. I mean, this is an action movie, there’s about 90 minutes for you to create tension, start a fight, blow up something, get the girl, maybe shower with the girl, sleep with the girl, girl disappears, you need to find the girl, realize something else is going on, sort that out, fight some more, blow more shit up, save the United States of America and maybe die… who has the time and resources to pimp out a car? Gahd.
5. The Damsel in Distress justifies everything.
There’s the emotionally mature woman with a job who may be the wife, or the friend’s wife, or the enemy’s wife, or the dream wife. There’s the cool chick who’s down with the guys in her tight jean pant, boots and white vest top, drinking beer. Gross. If it’s a warm day, she may trade in her jean pant for jean short short.
There’s the tomboy who can out-drive a SWAT team if needs be (Letty, The Fast and the Furious). There’s a chick that’s so badass she may save the guy’s life, because she kicks like a ninja when she’s not injured or tied up.
Sometimes, there’s one chick that is all or a combination of the above. But none of them compare to the DID (Damsel in Distress). The DID justifies everything else. She justifies the fighting, because she can’t fight everyone by herself, even though the action hero needs to.
She justifies explosions, because there needs to be a distraction if she’s going to be saved and return home alive. She justifies stealing cars, because the people who took her or is targeting her know what you drive, what your friend drives, what you like to drive. They’re waiting for you, remember? The walls told them.
John McClane took on a building of bad guys AND Professor Snape to save his girl. Professional wrestler and amateur actor John Cena made two movies where he was on a journey to rescue the girl. Once unchained, Django literally blew up a dude’s mansion and killed a shitload of people to be reunited with his Broomhilda. Even Super Mario defeated turtles to save the princess, AND he was on shrooms.
The DID makes the whole action movie possible. In fact, she is the source of all the crazy action-heroism, because without her, the protagonist would never have to do those things to save her life and the lives of others. He’d be on the couch, watching sports, at the office signing deals, writing a book, drinking beer at a bar, hitting on other chicks, camping with the kids, making dinner, renovating the house, taking the dogs for a run and waiting for you to arrive home so he can massage your feet.
The DID may be wearing a white vest top, thrown to the (dirty) ground, dragged by her feet, but still gets up…with her boobs firmly in place under that STILL crisp, clean, snow-white top, ready to be saved. That, ladies and gentleman, is the real hero, here.
About The Author: Elana Bailey is a very talented writer and professional music video watcher. She also knows karate, Jujitsu and she drives like a gangsta when she’s coming to see you. Also, she wants to be a Ruby Royal. Don’t know what that is? Go here and give her some love.