Ok so there’s a lot to get through! There were two episodes of The Bachelor this week and wow. Just wow.
Part of me regretted watching this season because an hour and a half each week is a commitment and Arie was quite meh. We can’t discuss the dates and details because we have three and a half hours of tv to get through.
Kendall went home after the fantasy suites and we were left with Lauren and Becca. Called it. They meet Arie’s family and both of his parents say that they prefer Becca.
The day of the proposal comes and the first person to get out of the limo is Lauren- which essentially means that she’s being broken up with. Arie tells her he wants it so badly for them but he can’t go through with it. Lauren is obviously confused because she’s crazy in love with Arie at this point, even though she can’t express why.
BUT to the important stuff!
1. Arie proposes to Becca
This is the part I’m shocked about as he told Lauren that he didn’t know what to do until THAT MORNING. He woke up on proposal day and picked one. Out of a hat? Flipped a coin like that Australian Bachelor? Who knows.
Arie says ‘I choose you today but I choose you everyday’; she says yes because she’s in love with him. She gets the most beautiful ring, she gets the final rose and they hug and kiss and the rose breaks. How symbolic.
2. Arie is confused AF
We see footage of them on their secret weekends together; happy, laughing, in love. AND THEN! We see raw unedited footage of Arie and Becca on one of these weekends and he sits her down and tells her I KEPT WAKING UP AND GOING TO BED THINKING OF LAUREN!
There is no better response than: O.M.G! Guys, I can’t. What a dipshit.
Becca has to tell him three or four times that she wants him to leave and he just lurks around. Just leave Arie! Wow.
3. Someone give Lauren a slap
Arie then goes to see if Lauren will take him back and she jumps into Arie’s arms as soon as she opens the door. She’s not at all fuming that he broke up with her on camera, broke up with his fiancé on camera or that he’s an asshole in general. She was so accepting because she just does not have an original thought. She even says that she’s open to getting engaged soon. WTF.
During the ‘After the Final Rose’ show, Arie gets down on one knee, in front of a live studio audience that hates him for breaking Becca’s heart and proposes to Lauren. She says ‘definitely’ because a grown 36 year old man who’s proposed twice in a period of three months isn’t a bright red flag to her and she’s an extremely agreeable person.
4. Whispering sweet nothings
The MOST SHOCKING part of the show was when Arie said that himself and Lauren speak on the phone for three hours when they’re not together. Huh? Lauren knows three hours-worth of words?
We should take a minute here to note that Lauren is 25 years old, she’s been engaged at least once before (she mentioned one on the show, some people say it’s two), and now she’s engaged again. Her mother looked extremely unimpressed after the proposal.
As soon as this relationship ends (The Bachelor’s track record of sustainable couples is bad compared to The Bachelorette), she really needs to take some time to be alone and think about her life choices. On the other hand, if there were ever a pair from The Bachelor who were perfect for each other, it’s these two.
5. Guess who gets to break some hearts next?
Becca is then named the NEW BACHELORETTE! Just so much happening in one show. I thought Tia or Sienne would become The Bachelorette and they probably would have if all of this didn’t happen but I couldn’t ever have called this.
Finally, a SWEEPING DECLARATION: I will not be watching The Bachelor again, unless he is Black or gay, preferably both. I’ve watched two seasons now and it is enough. I’m sure I’ll need a new silly show for the purpose of escapism, but I can’t continue to watch a show where brilliant beautiful women -women with Masters and PhDs, ICU nurses, special education teachers, creative directors and a Yale graduate!- compete to be some mediocre man’s wife. #menaretrash
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